I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
birth control should be required to get into college
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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