I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
