I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
