if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize