Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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