we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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