I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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