Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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