Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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