dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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