All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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