The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
