does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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