Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
