The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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