every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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