My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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