Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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