Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
