A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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