what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
