Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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