I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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