You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
