Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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