There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
