I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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