Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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