She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
