Tell her she can't have a vagina
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
