I just cut my nipple shaving
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
