You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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