I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
