Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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