I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
