what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
