My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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