I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
