Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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