Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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