I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
