He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
