good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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