They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
