Is it because I queefed?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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