cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
