my vag is so smooth its legendary
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need water and some morals
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My feet surprised me
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