We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
