matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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