Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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