Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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