I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
