God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize