mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
