Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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