I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
