dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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