chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
