Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
